Month 10

I didn't know what pain was

till I wanted to become a mother.

10, 10 is for our 10 months of trying to create a beautiful life within my womb.

This is by far my hardest, darkest and loneliest month.

I'm in that state of feeling vulnerable and fractured -physically, mentally and emotionally. 

I feel like I'm healing but it's really f****** hard. 

This month has been really hard. 

I'm forced to move at a slower pace, to take my time with my body & also with my mind and my thoughts.I thought two fractured heels was it enough... I thought that broke me...but that was just the fracture. The break was getting my period two days ago. That's 10 months of trying for a baby, 10 months of failing, of feeling tried, sad, angry, lost, confused and hopeless. I'm just feeling really empty right now.

I just felt like I've tried everything that I can, on my own - fertility apps to track my cycles, reading all the books, taking my temperature during ovulation week, having sex every day during my ovulation week, tried all the hormonal essential oils, prenatal vitamins, ovulation kits, cutting out alcohol, upping my veggies and fruits, checking my mucus to see when I'm most fertile and nothing but defeat.

You see, when you want something so much, more than anything in this world and you're trying so hard for it but keep falling short, its absolutely heart breaking. I feel like my soul and heart have been shattered and all I want to do is crawl in a ball and lay in my bed for days. Its so hard to keep going day after day and act like everything is find. Its so hard to take your mind off of it. Every time I look at Eric all I see is how hard we have tried and how much more I want this baby for us, but I also feel sad and hurt when I look at him. I see how much we keep coming up short. And that fucking stings.

So I took two days to myself. I laid in bed, shut my work down and the lights off and cried my fucking heart out till it bleed empty. Eric held me, wiped my tears and loved me the best that he knew how.