Updated: Nov 2
My heart aches for the girl I was last month..
For the girl that felt so alone. For the girl who felt like she had hide from her family, friends and partner what she was going through and how low and lost she felt inside. How broken her heart was and how she felt like she had to bare the weight alone and feel crushed by it. For the girl who would cry in the darkness of shower on the floor with her hands over her mouth, so her finance wouldn't hear her pain.
I ache for the the girl who though that she had to go through this alone because she thought no-one else could understand what she was going through or because she was to embarrassed to share.
I felt like I was revived back to life and hope today.
I finally found the courage to share my story, my pain and my fears with Eric and with a stranger (that quickly because friend and an angel of love and hope for me).
I released last month that I was the cause of my own suffering. That if I didn't truly open up about what I was going through that it could be the death of me, of my soul.
I broke down in the the most beautiful way. I laid my heart on the sacrificing table with Eric and it was the most beautiful experience, eye opening and centering experience that we've shared together.
11 months of trying for a baby and change you, because it's one of the most rawest and realist experience that you can go through with someone else. The arguments, doubts and fears are real and if they aren't expressed, if they aren't taken about, then distance starts to grow between you and your lover. Anger starts to grow & resentment.
I felt this. Eric and I felt this and I knew that I was the cause of it. I was holding back from him emotionally. I didn't think he would understand why I felt the way that I did (and he couldn't understand because I never let him in) and I realized that if I didn't let him in he could walk away -- and this happens to many couples who are struggling with infertility.
I didn't want that for us.
So I laid my heart out, spilled my guts, all my fears, why I felt so low, all of my insecurities, how society fucked me in middle school, how I wasn't prepared at all for this journey, how I cant get myself out of this crater alone, how I need help, how he can help me and other ways that I can help myself.
I just couldn't keep doing this alone. I need him on a different level, I needed him to not always be the rock, but to crumble with me sometimes. I needed him to hold me every fucking day till I saw the light. I needed him to assure me of love, of the future. I also told him that I needed someone else to talk too.
Even though Eric hates Instagram, because he's such a private person, he allowed me to share our story (at least some parts of it) because he knew how healing it was for me to connect to other women who have been down this same journey.
I can't tell you how healing it was to open up to him, to a community of 300,000 and hear stories from hundreds of other women, of what they went through with infertility, IVF, Adoption, trying for years for a child. I finally felt like I wasn't alone. I felt relief, love, supported in a way that I have never felt before.
When I opened up about our story, I found an angle in my hometown. This beautiful woman held me after a workout class, cried with me, prayed for Eric and I and shared her story with me and helped me believe that spirit/universe/god/buddah has a plan for us. That we wouldn't be given anything that we couldn't handle and to trust this journey that we are on.
Because of her, my heart shifted, my grief and pain shifted out of my body and I could focus on healing myself and carving out a different path on this journey.
Because of her, I found strength to keep sharing my story, our story. To keep looking for love on the dark days and to keep holding onto trust.
If you're currently struggling on this journey, I just want to inspire you to reach out to someone--- I know that it can be scary as fuck (the most healing parts of life are), but its necessary in order to find relief and love.
Reach out to a friend, a family member, a stranger on a Facebook Community Ground. It's okay to say "Hey, I'm struggling and I need help". Reach out to me, I'm here for you, I support you, I love you!!!!