Month 12 & 13: Surrender
Nobody ever prepared my heart to break like this.
I just expected that it would be easy to become a mother, that it would be effortless and beautiful.
After a year of trying to conceive my stress and heartbreak only grew greater, deeper and more shattering as the months went on. No one prepared me for the pain that I would feel every time I saw more negative test pile up on my bathroom sink. Nothing was getting better and certainty nothing was getting easier. Not my relationship with myself, not my relationship with Eric, not my relationship with life or spirit. I was emotionally disconnected from everything and everyone and all I could think about every day, every hour was my future baby and getting pregnant and the reasons why I’m not getting pregnant.
It was leaving me lifeless.
What I didn’t realize was that I was acting out of control, meaning that I wanted to control the entire situation. When we get pregnant, how we get pregnant, what day, time, my ovulation, appoitments for Eric and I, what I ate, I wanted to control everything and nothing about getting pregnant or pregnancy is in your/our control. It took me a year to learn this and I wish I would have known this much sooner.
When we try to control a situation and it doesn’t go our way, it only causes us unnecessary stress and discouragement. It’s not healthy for you, your partner or your future spirit baby.
My angle (a beautiful woman from my gym that has helped me on this path) told me to “trust the journey, no matter where it leads you”. I heard her, I truly did but it just took me a little bit to fully process it and live by those words in my heart. About two weeks of hearing those words from her, my best friend (who was pregnant at the time) gave me a book that changed my life; Spirit Babies: How to Communicate with the Child You’re Meant to Have, by Walter Makichen. Mark is a renowned clairvoyant medium who tells you how to connect with your child-before and after conception. What he also teaching you is that we are not the ones who control conception.
I healed beyond measures from the wounds I was inflicting on myself mentally from this year and completely surrendered to the journey that I’m on. Through his teaching, methods, rituals and meditations I finally found peace, comfort, love and for the first time ever, closeness & connection to my spirit baby. I felt closure and that was everything I needed to keep moving forward in a healthy and new light.
This book changed everything. I’m happier, Eric and I’s relationship is stronger & more beautiful, I communicated with my spirit baby every single day and I know he/she is with me, I laugh more. I no longer dread what the next month has in store for me, what the next step may be. I just fully trust this journey and that all that I want for you future mommas who are reading this, to trust that you baby is with you, that there is a plan and that maybe you may have to heal something first before your baby comes through!
I didn’t realize that I needed to heal, but I had a lot of buried trauma I put deep within me that I completely forgot about. I had uncertainties that I didn’t think would affect the conception contract with my child, but it does. So when I speak about my heart breaking, I wasn't prepared for it to break(again) in the most beautiful and understanding way. I feel like stress, tension and expectation have completely left my body and I can fall back in love with my journey and honestly surrender to it completely.
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If you’ve had an abortion, miscarriages, doubts, fears, expectations, lack of compassion, unalignment with your partner etc. these are emotions and fears that need to be healed because just as you feel them, your spirit baby does as well.
Some things that Mark touches on
· How to create the energy that nurtures spirit babies
· How to understand how past lives and chakras relate to your unborn child
· The conception contract- what it means for you and your child
· How karmic pairings affect conception and pregnancy
· Why miscarriages occur and what the signify
· Should I have a child?
· Where do babies come from?
· Why can’t we get pregnant?
· What about abortion?
· Calling to your future child
· Conscious conception
· Spirit babies and guardian angels..spirit babies and adoption..spirit babies and dreams and so much more!
I couldn’t recommend this read more!
If you’ve read it already, I’d love to know what you think and how its helped you!